Emotionally Tired

I have sort of been waiting for Grandma's memorial to be over to deal with my feelings and memories. 

To say there has been a lot of drama, heartache, and difficult conversations and decisions in the days leading up to the memorial would be an understatement.  It hurts me, really hurts me to know those that I love are in pain/angry/ sad/ upset/ hurt, and that things were said and done that can't be undone.

I couldn't handle dealing with Grandma being gone and dealing with all the other stuff going on.  But, I'm mad at myself for letting the drama distract me from giving my Grandma's memory the proper thought and recognition. 

I kind of thought that magically once the memorial was over everything would be better and I would stop feeling so upset, sick to my stomach, unable to sleep etc., and I would be able to honor Grandmas memory.   But, that hasn't happened yet.  I know it's only been one day.  But I feel worse today than I have since Dad called to tell me Grandma had a heart attack.  And I would do just about anything to stop thinking about all of it.  

My hope is by the end of the week I can do something that Grandma would have enjoyed and spend some time thinking about all the good times I had with her.  That's how I dealt with Grandpa Jack passing.  We went to Cabela's, easily his favorite store, and dressed up in head to toe camo and took fun pictures, and I felt better. 

So here's to focusing on what I should have been focused on the whole time.  Happy memories of my Grandma.