Another Reminder

I found out yesterday that being angry to the point of hate takes a lot of energy!

I don't use the word hate very often or lightly. I don't think hate is a healthy emotion. I really can't think of a single person I hate or than many things that I hate. There is only one thing I can say I hate without any reservation and that is cancer.

I have spent 14 years volunteering with the American Cancer Society and have been reminded more than I would like how important the fight against cancer is. Every time a fellow volunteer was diagnosed or lost a family member it reminded me, every time my best friend goes to the Dr. only to have yet another diagnosis it reminds me, every time I go in for my follow up screening (which my last one should be in March and everything looks great - it never should have been a cancer scare in the first place, but we are playing it safe) I am reminded, every Relay For Life event I attend I am reminded of why it is vital to keep fighting this horrible disease and to keep raising money for life saving research and treatment. I was reminded again yesterday when I found out my aunt has cancer.

I will admit my first thought when I found out about my aunt was "this is not fair". I have given so much of my personal time, energy, money, heart and soul to the ACS and Relay For Life that a small part of me feels like my family should have a free pass, but the reality is cancer does not discriminate. It does not care who you are, how good of a person you are, how much money you have, how many people love and care about you...it just doesn't care. And, life is not fair especially when cancer is involved.

I was so angry when I got home yesterday that I wanted to hit something, I wanted to cause pain and scream and yell. I skipped my workout, didn't really want to talk to anyone, and was not very pleasant most of the evening. I finally called and talked to my aunt and that helped a lot. She is not having a pity party by any means. She is glad to know what is going on and why she has not been feeling well, and is ready to find out what the treatment options are and developing her treatment plan. She is going to fight cancer and put it in it's place.

I was able to calm down after talking to her and while I still hate cancer, I'm not angry like I was yesterday. By 9 last night I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open. I couldn't figure out why I was so tired and then I realized all that angry hate wore me out emotionally and mentally. It takes a lot of energy to be that angry for any length of time. I will never let go of my hate for cancer, but I will put the anger aside so that I can fight it smarter and more productively, and so I can be there for my aunt.