...is not totally in the present.
Such a mixed up weekend of fun with really good friends doing what we love which is camping. But there was sadness, tears, frustration, anger and hoping the phone would ring with an update but dreading it at the same time.
I can't really process all my feelings right now so for now I will keep it simple.
There are so many things I love about my Grandma and will miss about her. On one hand I have peace in my heart over her passing, but on the other I can't really believe it either.
I'm ok though. I'm just hoping that everyone else who knew and loved her can find some peace in their hearts and are able to grieve in the way they need to in order to move on with happy memories and love.
2 comments:
Pain! Pain like I never felt before. Emptiness‘. Both from not only a broken heart, but as a person broken. No son could love, idolize, and cherish a mother as I. I spent the past ten years making her feel like the most important parent a mother could hope for. She worked for me and was with me 16 days a month and 7-10 hours each day helping me with Val’s business. At the end of each day mom would say “thank you son”. I would reply--”No--thank you mom”. She had more energy than I, or any person had. Our patients loved her, adored her, and all knew how much I loved her. She went to Nashville to spend one last time with her sister who was losing her battle with cancer. All three sisters knew this would be the last time they would all three get to be together as the older sister was growing feeble from chemotherapy. Four days after her arrival in Tennessee it was mom who died of a massive heart attack. Driving to Portland and during the flight Dad held out hope despite the doctors had told all there was none. At the hospital We left him alone with her. Twenty minutes later dad came out, collapsed into my arms and put me in charge of informing the neurosurgeon we want her taken off life support. Dad said it was time to let her go. The two sisters, Val, and myself gathered around her and the health care providers unplugged everything and at around three minutes we all felt the life leave her and she passed on. We continued to say our goodbyes and it was so tough to finally turn and walk out. It hurts more than I will ever be able to articulate. What hurts as bad, and now if not more is that my father is a broken person. He is totally lost in life and his pain I cannot even begin to describe. I have had to step up and carry the entire load through all that is involved with this as the day we flew out to Tennessee Stan got the news that he does not have long to live. He weight is down to 125 pounds and looks like a concentration camp victim. They added bone cancer to the other cancer he had already was told he had. Arriving home and taking dad into his house was one of the saddest and most pitiful, most hurtful, and tragic thing I have ever seen a man go through. Mom loved her family. She loved her grandkids. When the grandkids were young it was easy to tell that Mom and Dad lived their lives for those grandkids. This is a terrible loss. I just want the pain to go away. I miss her.
I got a ray of hope from my brother. Within the past two years four new drugs have come into existence to fight his bone cancer. Stan remains hopeful these drugs will make a difference. He is suppose to start medication tomorrow. Lets hope, and pray.
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